I decided yesterday to drop the class I was taking and wait another semester before trying again. At first I was excited about the class and thought I could do well in it. (a little background here--it has been a LONG time since I've done well in any college class.) It's Homiletics II, or Preaching/Sermon delivery. Kind of like a speech class, except about God and his Word. No papers, no exams. Do-able.
But I was late to the first class. And I missed something.
There are weekly assignments (I found out from my roommate, who was NOT late to class).
The on-paper assignments are what get me every time.
I got a stomach-ache.
If I withdraw now, I won't lose $1000 when I fail. I don't think I'm ready for this. I'm tired of failing, and don't think I have the strength to fight as hard as I will need to to break my pattern. I'll wait till next semester. Sure, it will be longer till I graduate, but at least I'll be strong.
I felt SO relieved after I made up my mind about that. Like, I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!!!!! So I called Robin to tell her I wouldn't be in class, and she didn't accept my answer. Come tonight, she said. Talk to the professor, tell him your concerns. Isn't this the time to break your patterns? And other stuff like that. I finally agreed to come to class...but I wasn't making any promises. I still did not plan to stick it out, I just didn't have the strength to defend my decision. In class, the prof (Dr. Watson, I presume) asked if anyone had prayer needs. Two different people asked for prayer because they felt totally overwhelmed about school and work. Hello!! And so it went. By the end of the class I'd cried three times and was no longer as sure about my decision. I went home totally discouraged. I didn't see how it was possible. I'm going to fail if I don't withdraw NOW.
I talked about it at DBT today and came no closer to any kind of decision. Some people said, Do you want us to just sit here and let you give in and quit? and others said, You know, maybe one semester more is what you need, and then you'll be ready. Maybe you're just not up to it. I was so frustrated, I felt violent.
On the way home I was trying not to think about it. I turned on the radio and tried to put it out of my mind. A song by Barlow Girl came on, called "Mirror" and I was transfixed. It went like this:
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?/'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am/ I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect/ So sorry you won't define me/ Sorry you don't own me Who are you to tell me/That I'm less than what I should be?/Who are you? /Who are you?/I don't need to listen/ To the list of things I should do/I won't try, I won't try Mirror I am seeing a new reflection/I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me/And to Him I have beauty beyond compare/ I know He defines me You don't define me, you don't define me"
And I decided to finish the class.
I don't have to preach to a packed-out crowd. I don't have to preach well to anybody. I just need to drop my pride long enough to try. I need to lose the idea that I Must Succeed Or I Suck.
I'm not God. He doesn't expect me to be, but he does want me to throw out my self-sufficiency and depend on him.
Am I foolishly setting myself up to fail? Maybe, but I don't think so. Can I do it for Jenni? No. I'll never be good enough for her. But I CAN do it for the God who made me and loves me unconditionally. When I do my best, he is pleased. So I will.
Now, about that homework...