Monday, March 28, 2005

My hope feels so deadly
My pain, so familiar.
My heart, tired.
My body, punished for its sins.

His blood has cleansed me before
But I'm dirty again.
I lower my face,
full of shame...again.

I hate myself.

'Come to me', he says.
'I will give you rest'.

Screw that!
This rest of yours,
it never lasts!
]It's in believing You
that I rise up
again and again
only to fall.
and I'm beginning to hate you for it.

My own judgments consume me.
They eat me alive
and take my breath away.

When his offer of Life--
of hope
entices me, I yank back.
I will not be tricked again.
I refuse to hope.
I feel my soul begin to die
and I refuse to admit
that I care.
I don't care, damn it.

My blood falls on the ground
with every step.
My heart wants to explode
with sadness
while I smile and lie
and tell the world I'm fine
I'm fine.
...i'm fine...

I'm going to die.

...and no one can see.

And I fall...
i'm falling...
it's too late...
...so far...
...right into his arms...
He pulls me close

I push away
with all
my weak strength.
And he catches my hands
and rocks me gently,
humming a song
I'm heard before.

Peace.
A song full of peace.

I'm so terrified of trusting Him again
But too tired not to.
So...tired...
I can't...do this...
Please...
don't EVER let go.
I can't--
I won't
live without you,
I dont' know how--

Help me.
I can't do it.

Take it all.
I just need--
just need to rest...here with You.

Maybe it can't kill me
If I'm here with you.

(inspired by the novel Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers)

2 comments:

Emily said...

Wow.

Becky said...

i second that.
I love you Jenni!